Toys for a growing baby are not only a must but add joy, color and a new dimension to the baby’s life. Choosing the right toy for your baby is therefore very essential. By observing your baby, you will come to know what he likes to do, what kind of toy he likes to play with and which toy he constantly turns to from time to time. The questions needed to be asked to figure out what your child likes are:
Topics For A Parent Workshop
Let’s face it–choosing the right topics for a parent workshop can successfully motivate parents to attend your events. If you are a counselor, educator, father or mother interested in facilitating a parent workshop that provides the tools for raising responsible, happy and compassionate children, then this article will help steer you in the right direction. Having been in the parenting education field for over a decade, I’m happy to share with you what has worked best for the participants in my parenting workshops. I also share some tips from moms across North America who have used my book When You’re About To Go Off The Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You as a guide for their own study groups and workshops.
Parenting With Proper Child Discipline – Knowing When and How to Discipline Children
Proper child discipline can be a remarkable tool for guiding a child towards learning to see from other peoples’ perspectives. It can serve as a moral compass by helping them to understand the value of considering others. This is a major component of good discipline.
It becomes much easier for a child to practice good behaviors when they understand some of the reasons behind them. It also builds their interests in wanting to behave.
The one important thing to keep in mind is keeping things simple for the sake of the child. When it comes to absolutes and your major ‘must be kept’ rules that are most important to you, keep them to a limit. The best way to gauge this is simply by age. Keeping them to a limit of three for the three year old and four for the four year old. And of course likewise down the line. The older a child gets the more able they are to retain more complicated instructions.
How To Become A Better Parent With A Free Parenting Class Online
Times have certainly changed in most facets of life and in the world of parenting, it is no different. The internet has opened up a whole range of possibilities and one of the big advantages for parents is the ability to take a free parenting class online to brush up on skills or to learn new techniques.
Once upon a time, parenting skills were learnt from within a person’s own family environment; handed down from generation to generation so to speak however, in today’s society, logging onto your computer and interacting with other like-minded parents is now a breeze. But can a free parenting class online teach you the skills required to raise children?
Continue reading “How To Become A Better Parent With A Free Parenting Class Online”
Child Development Toys
Parents interested in encouraging the positive development of their child’s cognitive, physical, or social skills can make sure their child has access to child development toys that not only provides a child with entertainment but also encourages their healthy development.
Child development toys play an important role in a child’s learning process. When children play with toys they not only interact with one another and develop social skills, they also make choices, solve problems and apply some control over their environment.
Child development toys that encourage cognitive development include puzzles and memory games. Matching games, sequencing games and number games are excellent toys that encourage a child to develop number sense and numeration as well as their sequencing skills.
Parenting: How to Get Both Parents on the Same Page
Q. My spouse and I cannot agree on how to raise our kids. I think my spouse is too strict and my spouse thinks I am too lenient. Meanwhile, the kids are getting away with everything. What can we do?
A. This is an excellent and all-too-common question. So, in typical therapist fashion, I’m going to begin my answer with a question.
Where in the world did we get the idea that two parents have to agree on every aspect of parenting? Somehow, we are supposed to believe that two separate individuals, who grew up with different models of how to parent (if they had models at all), different life experiences and probably different temperaments, are now going to come together and agree on every facet of the complicated task of parenting.
Sorry, I just don’t buy it.
Not only is this an unworkable notion in the real world, it can be a damaging one as well. The optimal goal, of course, would be for these two different people to combine their respective parenting styles into a well-functioning and supportive parenting team. This is difficult, although it can and does happen. But when people believe the lie about always having to agree, a power struggle can be set up between the two adults.
We all like to be right and we tend to fight for our positions. In too many situations, instead of coming together as a team, parents grow farther and farther apart, rigidly adhering to their own styles.
A person with a more strict style has something to learn from the person with a more lenient style, and vice versa. But instead of learning from each other, the strict one becomes more strict and the lenient one becomes more lenient. This creates, at best, criticism and resentment and a gap big enough for a child to drive a truck through. The children suffer, and the parents cancel each other out.
It also sets up what I call the “parent trap.” Picture the face of a clock. At 12 o’clock is the word “angry,” at four the word “sympathy” and at eight the phrase “taken advantage of.”
The trap begins when a child misbehaves, does something wrong or gets in trouble. The parent starts at the top of the clock, becomes “angry” and says something like “OK, that does it, you are grounded for life!” or some equally realistic statement.
After a while, the parent moves on down the clock to “sympathy,” and lets the child off the hook.
Sure enough, the child takes advantage, and repeats the same action or something equally frustrating. This moves the parent over to feeling “taken advantage of.” The parent doesn’t feel this way for too long before thinking or saying, “How could you do this after all I’ve done for you!?!” The parent quickly returns to the top of the clock and “anger.”
Do you see the vicious circle this sets up? In the middle is the child, running the show.
Now let’s complicate this process even more, with our two different parenting styles. Imagine having one parent stuck on anger and the other one stuck on sympathy, or some equally damaging combination. There’s that hole you can drive a truck through.
There are many useful ways to get out of this parent trap. One of the simplest is called the odd/even schedule.
Here’s how it works: On odd-numbered days, one parent will be in charge of parenting. That means that all discipline, privileges, discussions, etc., go through that parent for that entire day. The other parent is to stand by and merely observe (unless there is blood or some other legitimate emergency).
The parent who is on for that day can call on the other parent as a consultant if he or she so chooses. Otherwise, the off parent is required to “sit on their wisdom” for the day. On the next day, the even day, the roles are simply reversed. The parent who was in charge is off, and the parent who was off is in charge.
This plan can benefit the family in several ways:
The parents come together to agree to follow the plan.
Each parent gets to see the other one in action and see that he or she can parent.
Each parent gets to practice his or her own parenting skills.
The children get to see each parent in charge.
The door is open for the parents to come together as a team.
The task of parenting is difficult enough without it becoming a power struggle between the two adults. It’s crucial to remember that the goal is to form an effective team, with both parents drawing on their own unique skills and learning from each other. In this way, the entire family benefits.
How to Choose Durable Kids Toys For Your Child
What happened to toys that last? If you are over 50 then perhaps you remember that the toys you had as a child lasted many years. Even those that are in their mid to late 30’s may even still have one or two toys from childhood that they can pass down to their kids. But how many children’s toys do you see today that you can say the same to?
With the every growing need for higher profits and lower spending, most often you will find that toy you buy your child is made in some other country like China. But what kind of quality are those kids toys? And although plastic can take many years to break down, the structure is often compromised quickly and rendered useless. Furthermore, with the electronic age, expecting your digital toy to last a few generations is just not going to happen.
Purchasing cheaper made toys is fine for a family with only one or two children, as long as they don’t care about how long they last, but what about the larger family? I know a family that has five boys ranging in age from two to twelve. They understand the need for longer lasting toys like wooden toys, or other sturdy built items. What they have discovered is although money always seems tight, they know what they bought for their first child will still be around for their fifth. However, finding the right kind of safe wooden toy is very important.
What makes a toy attractive to a young child? If you have a beautiful wooden truck or pull along toy, what a child likes and needs to see is some color. The perfect children’s toys are brightly colored. These wonderful wooden play things will allow for many hours of fun for your children and last long enough so that all of your children can enjoy them. However, you must be careful that the paint used doesn’t have any traces of lead or other harmful chemicals.
The best way to do this is to check the product label, or if you’re painting it yourself, check the label on the paint to ensure it is child safe. Most young children will not only play with their toy, but also check out how it tastes and feels in their mouth. Therefore, in order to have safe wooden toys, either purchases them from a company that specialized in these types of toys or paints them yourself.
Regardless of how you buy these safe toys, it is always good to remember that wood is a great way to go when buying toys for a large family. You can get pull toys, beautiful puzzles, great wooden trucks and tractors, and the list goes on. You will be amazed once you look into how many wonderful children’s toys you can find that are made out of wood.
Toys For Children
Toys are objects fashioned or manufactured purposely for children playing. Toys for children are not only for playing but they also help them to learn. With them they discover their identity, their bodies grow strong, and sometimes they explore relationships, and practice skills they require as adults.
Toys are more than simple amusement; the way that they are used profoundly influence many aspects of life. Toys serve multiple purposes in both humans and animals. They provide entertainment while fulfilling an educational role. Toys for children enhance cognitive behavior and stimulate creativity. They aid in the development of physical and mental skills which are necessary in later life.
One of the simplest toys, a set of simple wooden blocks and trains is also one of the best toys for developing minds. Andrew Watkin, director of marketing for Mega Brands told Investor’s Business Daily that, “They help develop hand-eye coordination, math and science skills and also let kids be creative.” Other toys like Marbles, jackstones, and balls serve similar functions in child development, allowing children to use their minds and bodies to learn about spatial relationships, cause and effect, and a wide range of other skills as well as those mentioned by Mr. Witkin
Certain toys, such as Barbie dolls and toy soldiers, are often perceived as being more acceptable for one gender than the other. It has been noted by researchers that, “Children as young as 18 months display sex-stereotyped toy choices”. Playing with toys stereotyped for the opposite gender sometimes results in negative consequences from parents or fellow children.
Toys for children come in very many different kinds such as dolls, cars, puzzles, collectibles, construction sets, and miniatures and so on. A child who plays with toys grows up with an open mind to learn new things everyday.
Positive Parenting Strengths
Chuck and Priscilla were at their wits’ end. They are the parents of two teen-aged girls, and two younger boys. The eldest, Charlotte, is out-of-control. As each child approaches adolescence, they seem to become impossible. “We don’t know what to do anymore!” Priscilla wails. “I do everything for them. Charlotte and Chuck fight constantly. He expects her to respect him, but she swears at him when he makes the slightest demand. Then he gets mad and starts yelling, and it’s all over! She’s a top student and athlete. Why won’t she be more compliant at home? And now Gertie, my 13 year-old, is starting to act out. She talks back something fierce! The boys never do anything around the house. Their grandparents think they are all out of control. I don’t know how much more of this I can take!”
Many parents feel confident in their skills while their children are little, only to wonder how it all got away from them as their kids reach the pre-teen years. And who are these strangers inhabiting their adolescents’ bodies, and what did they do with the off-spring we knew, anyway?
Parenting is not the same as it used to be. Fewer families include a stay-at-home parent. Economically, most families need both parents to be in the work force. More women are single parents. The kids who are teens now were in daycare or otherwise looked after by people other than their parents. They don’t see us as the arbiters of their lives or as the holders of all the keys, because we no longer are. As well, TV and computers have made information easily accessible by children – information that, just a few years ago, was the domain of adults. The way we protected children in the past from overwhelming material such as sexual images, disasters, and pictures of war-torn bodies, was to keep it unavailable. Now that is almost impossible. Children are traumatized by the news.
They are also feeling immense pressure to be involved in activities and interests that their peers and the media tell them they are ready for. Advertising, loosened standards in TV programs and movies, and the availability of adult content, are all making our children (and many parents, actually) believe that ten-year-olds should be concerned about deodorant, and engage in sexual behaviors.
We are all racing – kids and parents alike. Society runs at a much faster pace. Music, TV shows, sentence structure and pacing in books, magazines, even symphonies, have sped up drastically. There is an overwhelming amount of information bombarding us and demanding that we respond to it instantly. There is more information in one Sunday issue of the New York Times than in all the books that existed in the 16th century. We work longer, vacation less (in the USA), and are expected to be available by phone, hand-held, and computer 24/7. On top of all this, neighborhoods are not as safe as before. Gangs, drugs, and violence are not restricted to inner cities.
When parents come to me, often they want to reduce some unacceptable behavior in their child. Old parenting styles that many of us were raised with, were based on behavior control. They worked moderately well then, because children were more dependent on their parents. Today, the same methods often have wildly unsuccessful results, in that they spark dramatic reactions in our children that are often the exact opposite of what we hoped for. When parents now use a domineering tone, lay down the law, and are unaware of their child’s point of view, while expecting instant and unquestioning obedience, pre-teens and teens often react with aggression or rejection in terms that we’d never have dared to use. We cannot focus simply on behavior cessation or our own comfort levels. There is nothing more silly and helpless than the feeling you get when you bellow, “You’re not going anywhere until you clean your room!” and have the kid shoot you that who-are-you-kidding sneer and stalk out of the house. Parents feel shell-shocked and confused, and the children feel disrespected, misunderstood, and alone.
What we need now are the skills that will help our kids see us as their major support. We need to help them learn to navigate the world as it is today. They need to take risks within a reasonable range, learn from their mistakes within the safety of a family that knows the value of trial and error. We need to make sure that our families help young people think about situations, options, and consequences.
It is difficult to give up old patterns and to try new ones. The benefits are legion. As painful as the tumult often is in today’s families, we can see it as an opportunity, if we view the chaos from within a positive psychology framework. We have the chance to lay a foundation for continued connection and understanding with our young children, to build real and lasting closeness with our adolescents, and in so doing, to work beyond some of the hurts we may still be carrying from our own childhoods, by learning to have more meaningful and warm relationships with our kids. It is so easy, in the face of kids’ changing behavior and moodiness, to lose sight of the fact that we have wonderful skills. While they treat us as if we are clueless, ridiculous, and offensive, it is imperative that we maintain our own reality. The more we can maintain our own equanimity and center, the more they will acquire these same strengths, to help with the pressures that face them in years to come.
Priscilla and Chuck started by uncovering their assumptions about families, as well as the patterns they inherited from their own upbringings. We looked at the effects of these patterns on the present. Then we discussed what is causing their children to act the way they are. This information included normal developmental phases as well as how modern culture and environmental factors have accelerated kids’ behavior. (It is not only a relief for parents to have more insight into their child’s reality, it helps immeasurably in staying calm and in being understanding during conflicts, rather than reacting only to the surface behavior.)
Once the elements feeding into the tumult were uncovered, Priscilla and Chuck paused to remember why they wanted to have a family in the first place – the spiritual, loving, giving, connected, creative, nourishing reasons for generating and supporting life. Then they identified their signature strengths, as identified by the research in positive psychology spear-headed by Chris Peterson and Martin Seligman. We brainstormed parenting applications. Parents feel empowered to acknowledge and utilize their Values In Action (VIAs, as they are called) such as curiosity, loving, perseverance, genuineness, open-mindedness, kindness, leadership. For example, Priscilla has perseverance/diligence as a strength. We talked about how she could redirect it from doing all the chores and running herself ragged, to setting up job plans and following through with consistency. She could apply her strength to learning more about child development, new approaches to discipline, as well as putting more emphasis her own well-being within the family.
But the VIA signature strengths are not the only characteristics that parents have or need!
After working to upgrade my own parenting skills and helping many families, I
have identified a list of Positive Parenting Strengths (you could call them Values in Parenting – VIP’s) that are explicitly helpful in family life. We have many of the Positive Parenting Strengths in abundance but don’t always recognize them as valuable. As parents recognize these attributes and attend mindfully to expanding their use in situations, we feel more assured in our parenting. Increasing our reliance on these strengths also tends to give us more confidence in our communities and in work lives, as we see them help in all relationships.
The VIPs list is meant as an adjunct to the VIA list, so I have not replicated the many valuable parenting skills, such as authenticity, curiosity, love of learning in the original. The two can be used together to focus and enhance parents’ efforts.
Here, then, is the list I propose as Positive Parenting Strengths (PPS’s). These are skills that help parents of any aged child improve communication, feel more calm and confident, and maintain loving connections. Read through the Strengths and identify those which you recognize as your top five. Following the list are some exercises you may use to apply your strengths to sticky events in your family.
1) Staying Grounded
You are able to stop, breathe, and connect in with the lower half of your body, especially when you find yourself getting worked up. You settle, turn inward, and feel the energy moving in your abdomen, pelvis, thighs, knees, calves, ankles, and feet. You feel your energy joining with the energy of the earth, so that you feel connected, rather than like a helium balloon that someone forgot to knot after blowing up. You stay internally present in difficult and emotional situations.
2) Centered
You have a strong sense of your true self, and you feel it as a place in which you reside in yourself. You have a clear experience of the distinction between your personality and your Being. You are good at gathering yourself, not being distracted, or pulled into self-judgment. When the going gets tough, rather than reacting by scattering or closing down, you make a point of staying open and self-aware. You know that being centered connects you to spirit and to well-being.
3) Empathic
You are able to see the world though your children’s eyes. You see their feelings and reactions as valid, given their experience and level of development. When they have a hard time, you make an effort to reflect back to them an understanding of what it must be like for them. You look beyond rude behavior to try to see what is going on inside. If there is a situation that repeatedly drives you crazy, you make sure you take the time to imagine, not only what this situation must be like for them, but what it must mean, given their history. You are able to imagine the scenario as if you are in their body and mind, see what it means to them, and what gets stirred up. You gain insight that helps you modify future situations. Doing so frees you from feeling upset by their behavior and often leads to their being calmer and more open.
4) Communicator
You recognize that good communication is a skill and is not automatic. You think carefully, and in advance, what you want to accomplish in communicating with your children. You plan and practice communication patterns that elicit thoughtful and relatively calm interactions. You are good at orchestrating conversations that enable children to learn life skills. You know that it is much more important to ask questions than it is to provide answers. You help them, by asking questions, learn to think through situations, anticipate consequences, and consider alternatives.
You want them to learn how to work things out for themselves, so you work to control your emotional reactions to things that they might say, in order to reach the larger goals of open interaction, problem-solving, decision-making, self-confidence, and social skills.
Your strong points are paraphrasing what they’ve said, so as to make sure you heard correctly, asking questions about the topic and about their thoughts, feelings, responses and actions. “How did you feel then?”, “What possibilities are there?” “What happened next?” “What do you want to do about it?” “Who could you talk to about that?” are your stock in trade. You love it when your kids surprise you by coming up with solutions that hadn’t occurred to you.
5) Connector
You place a high value upon staying emotionally connected with your children, even when they act badly or when the two of you are having an argument. You stay present, authentic, and aware of your own feelings, as well as those of your child. You work at finding ways to maintain energetic and emotional ties with your child and stay with it to work things out, rather than giving up. If you need to take a break, you call a time-out, so that everyone has a chance to cool off, without anyone feeling rejected or shut out. If they come home in a bad mood, you let them have their chance to cool off, yet you maintain the sense inside yourself that you are together and that you love each other.
6) Educator
You remember that the goal of parenthood is to educate over time. You are able to keep in mind that growing up is a process, and that you are engaged in raising wonderful, normal, fallible humans, not robots. You can remember, even in the heat of the moment, that the present behavior is not as important as the lessons you want your children to learn, such as thoughtfulness, self-reflection, and problem-solving. You tailor your parenting to further the long-term goal and remember that education takes years and many steps, and that your children do not have to master adult skills instantly, just work toward them gradually.
7) Process expert
You know that the goal is not what is important. The journey is. It is in the process of everyday routines that life is lived and savored. You are comfortable with the messiness and incompleteness of the mundane. You keep you eye on what furthers the processes of family life – communicating, being, allowing, working through, tolerating, and the like. You are able to pull back from a situation and notice what is going on in the way that it is unfolding, which you often find more important than the topic. What is important to you is the way things are engaged in, more than the thing itself. You also relax and take time to be with your children while they are going through their processes, thereby helping them to be comfortable in the moment.
8) Acceptor
You really see who your children are – their strengths, weaknesses, the direction they are going – rather than being locked in a view of who you want them to be, or who you can tolerate them being. Much as you would like to raise a concert pianist, you appreciate and nurture your child’s talent as a wrestler. You raise the child you have, in the way that they need, even if it is not your first choice. If your child needs firm, clear boundaries delivered in imperative sentences, even if you tend toward the gentle and talkative and like to ask for acquiescence, you rally yourself to provide structure in the way he or she needs.
9) Holder of Optimism
You hold in your heart, and therefore hold for your child, conviction of their potential, who they truly are, and who they can become. You remember that, if they are adolescent, their brains are changing and they are hormonally challenged. Even in the face of strong evidence to the contrary, you know that they really are the kind, caring, loving, skillful, intelligent people you remember from before. You keep reminding yourself of this, so that you don’t think for too long that monsters have taken over their morphing bodies. You present a picture to them of their best selves. You know that, inside all their posturing, teens are very brittle, sensitive, unsure, confused about what is happening, of the new pressures, and of their own actions. You know that it matters to them, a lot, to see in your eyes the people they hope they are becoming.
10) Structure expert
You know that structure makes growth, opportunity, relationships, and achievement possible, that boundaries do not cut people off from each other, so much as they clarify, define, and protect. You are clear about your own boundaries and the areas of life that are impacted by boundary issues. You are clear who you are, and what your bottom line is in different areas. You take care of yourself, have clear limits, balance various areas in the way that works best for you and your family. You are able to be flexible, not rigidly adhering to dogma when unforeseen factors indicate the need to take a different approach. You communicate your expectations clearly in a way that each child can hear.
11) Equanimity
You remain contented and peaceful, even when those around you are having a hard time.
You take a deep breath and maintain the feeling of calm that helps storm-tossed children and teens to orient themselves. You do not cut yourself off from them in order to feel happy. You are present and available, without being pulled into their angst. You remember that things mostly work out for the best, even if they don’t look as if they are going so well at the moment.
12) Autonomy
You see yourself as a unique individual, and you see your children and partner as individuals as well. You know you can stand on your own, and you stand up for yourself. You treat yourself compassionately regarding your shortcomings. You honor your history for the experience and wisdom you have gleaned from it. You have come to terms with pain in your past, so that when it is triggered in the present, you are not thrown into reactive behavior without catching yourself. You know you are responsible for your experience and your behavior. It is fine with you that other people are humans with strengths and weaknesses. You accept them as they are.
13) Sovereignty
You know that, ultimately, each person must depend upon themselves. You know that the best way to train children to be self-reliant is to treat them as individuals with rights to be treated respectfully and with honor, even when they make mistakes and are still learning, even when they screw up royally. As Elizabeth Cady Stanton said in 1892, in front of the Judiciary Committee of the U.S. Congress, “Nothing strengthens the judgment and quickens the conscience like individual responsibility. Nothing adds such dignity to character as the recognition of one’s self-sovereignty; the right to an equal place, every where conceded; a place earned by personal merit.” You know that teens feel badly enough about themselves, and that their shame escalates very quickly, if they feel reacted to as if they are despicable. You are committed to treating them considerately, honoring their boundaries, and responding to their difficulties in ways that teach deep respect through example.
14) Enthusiast
You love the many possibilities there are in life. You love to learn and are interested in many things. Through your enthusiasm, you turn your children on to the arts, the sciences, bugs, stars, microscopes, cooking, crafts, tap dancing, old movies, badminton, the colors in leaves. You sit on the porch and watch thunderstorms together. You ride your bikes down new roads. You keep having adventures even when they roll their eyes and are too cool to go with you, because you know that later it will be important for them to have seen their parents involved in activities. And anyway, it’s your life that you’re enjoying!
15) Fun-lover
You enjoy your children. Just hanging out with them gives you deep satisfaction. You play with them when they are young, introduce them to activities that you value, and join them in play that they find entertaining. As they get older, you are willing to be silly and to offer activities, and also to wait until they are ready to engage with you. You make watching their endless sports events fun for yourself and for parents around you.
16) Inspires creativity
You find great satisfaction in expressing yourself creatively. Even if your efforts won’t win awards, you paint, dance, draw, play an instrument, try beading, or scrap-booking. You gather leaves and make collages to decorate the table. You enjoy making your home comfortable and aesthetically pleasing. You approach your work creatively, and your kids see you enjoying work because of it. When funds are low, you look for imaginative ways to meet your need. Your children expand their experience and their skills by engaging in creative activities with you and on their own.
17) Financially responsible
You live within your means. You do not go into debt unless it is absolutely necessary. If you do, you use credit wisely, and you have a plan to pay it off as soon as possible. You don’t shop as a way of relieving feelings. You educate yourself about financial matters. You find creative ways to keep to your budget, and you save regularly. You help your children develop good saving, spending, and giving habits. You plan for a rainy day.
18) Emotional Savvy
You are really good at being with your emotions, when they are aroused. You don’t hide from pain or discomfort, or self-medicate with food, cigarettes or other substances. (You do, however recognize that chocolate is one of the necessary food groups.) You take time to let feelings run their course, when they need attention. You are emotionally responsible. You are able to see when your reactions are about past events, and you make every effort not to project them onto present situations. If you find that you have reacted inappropriately, you explain to others that your mood is not about them, thereby showing your caring and empathic nature. You apologize when you have hurt someone. You know that, if you allow your feelings time to process themselves, and if you reflect on your old ways of looking at things, painful emotions will abate. You process your feelings, rather than trying to push them away.
You are comfortable with your child’s feelings and see their outbursts as opportunities to empathize, educate, and be close. You are comfortable with your child’s expressions of feelings and respond respectfully. You understand that children do not have all the social skills yet, and it is okay with you that they still have things to learn when it comes to tolerating and expressing emotion.
19) Partner
You work hard to have a warm, loving, respectful relationship with your co-parent, because that is the tone you want in your life. You know that working on your relationship models social skills for your children, as well as providing them with a loving parental team. You continue developing relational skills, because, as you get older, you see that new issues come up that give you opportunities to continue maturing and expanding. You know that growing does not stop at 20, and that people learn and grow in relationship, not in isolation.
20) Influencer
You know that no one can control anyone other than themselves. You know that trying to control your children only leads to disconnection and bad feeling. You know that controlling kids means controlling their behavior only, and that no one can dictate another’s feelings or outlook. You remind yourself that, as long as you stay connected with your children, you have more influence with them than anyone, even their peers. You deal with your own feelings about their behavior and what they go through, as well as any helplessness or worry that you feel in consequence. You recognize that it is a wise person who tolerates her/his feelings. You help your children learn to center in themselves and tolerate their feelings, and to learn to give up on trying to control other people, events, and their surroundings.
21) Self-Care
You know that you cannot parent effectively if you do not take care of yourself. You model self-respect and self-confidence by paying attention to your own needs and limits. Rather than fly off the handle, you take times-out. You give yourself mini-vacations. You make sure you see friends and engage in activities that replenish you, because all of these activities improve your parenting and make parenthood enjoyable. You value your own boundaries and calmly set limits in order to ensure that others respect them also. You know the value of having the support of other parents, and even of laughing with them and letting off steam by telling benign stories of teen and toddler pranks, behind your kids’ backs, of course.
22) Patience
You stay relaxed inside yourself, while life is messy around you. The little annoyances do not throw you. You are able to step back and take a larger view of events. You agree with Randy Pausch, the computer science professor dying of pancreatic cancer who gave a “Last Lecture” which has inspired thousands of people, who said that, if people disappoint you, just wait. If you give them enough time, they will bring forth their best selves. If you appreciate them and thank them for the good job you know they will do, they tend to rise to your expectations. As Nelson Mandela said, “It never hurts to think too highly of a person. Often they behave better because of it.” You can wait while they learn social skills. You maintain your cool when things don’t go according to plan.
23) Positive Outlook
And, most of all, you know that being a perfect parent would not be good for your children anyway. One of your jobs is to teach them to accept and value themselves as they are. You want them to feel positive about themselves, even though they mess up sometimes and are not great at everything. You want them to love life, even though life is difficult. You want them to feel confident in and about the world, even though the world is both awe-inspiring and terrible at times. You know that there are millions of ways to be a good parent, and so you celebrate your strengths and gather your children to you, to share your blessings and to help each other through the tough times. You remind yourself that trials build character. You breathe and laugh and center in yourself, for that is where the joy is – in your connection with yourself, with those you love, and with the natural world.
Okay, now that you have identified your top five VIP’s, your PPSs, here are some exercises to help you apply them as you navigate the rocky waters of family life.
Try this #1: Spend some time thinking about your strengths. Notice how you use them and how they help you with your family. Keep them in mind and have confidence in them! See how you can use your strengths to enhance your patience, your empathy, and your optimism. Muse about them and come up with ways for them to help you be more effective, more relaxed, and to enjoy your parenthood more fully.
Try this #2: Remember a challenging occurrence in your home. (That wasn’t hard, was it?) Now, pick one of your PPS’s that you think might help in that situation. How could you use that strength to facilitate a different outcome? (When my preteen daughter started talking back at the drop of a hat, I found some time to myself and used my strength of empathy to imagine what our interchanges must be like from her perspective, given her experiences in life. A light bulb went on as I suddenly saw how easily deep feelings of loss seemed to be triggered for her. After that, I worked to remember how important our closeness was to her and to see her apparent outrage, not as insolence, but as a sign that she felt too shut out by the way I may have said something. I became more able to remain calm and loving in tone (not a skill under stress that I’d experienced with my parents!) which often led to her softening and continuing to interact with me.
Try this #3: You could also pick one PPS with which you would like to become more proficient, and grow it into a strength. To do so, focus on the strengths you already have. Research into positive psychology has shown definitively that the more you expand your use of your positive strengths, the more the ones you could use some work on improve – much more so than if you just wrestle to try to counter your “failings.”
The more you bring your awareness to focus on your strengths, the more they will grow. Notice how you feel as you play with these exercises. Notice what great ideas you come up with, use them with your children and see how they respond.
Stanton quote is from: Solitude of Self
Address delivered by Mrs. Stanton before the Committee of the Judiciary of the United States Congress
Monday, January 18, 1892
Washington Child Custody – Parenting Plan and Custody Agreement Guidelines and Procedures
Title 26 in the Washington State Revised Code outlines all of the laws and guidelines about child custody. In this section of domestic law, parents can find out needed information about parenting plans. The Washington Code requires that parents in Washington make a parenting plan, sometimes called a custody agreement, to govern their custody situation. This parenting plan must be accepted by the family court and is used until the child is an adult. Here are some suggestions from Title 26 to help Washington parents create their parenting plan and get it accepted by the court.
The purpose of a parenting plan, as outlined in the Washington State Revised Code, is: to provide for the child’s physical care, maintain the child’s emotional stability, provide for the child’s changing needs, to encourage the parents to work together instead of relying on the court, and to protect the best interests of the child. This is the standard that all Washington parenting plans must uphold. Parents need to think about each one of these factors as they make a plan.
Title 26 offers a few different ways that Washington parents can fulfill these objectives. The mother and father must create a residential schedule that shows the physical location of the child every day of the year. This is commonly called a custody and visitation schedule. Parents can also add stipulations and provisions that allow them to work together, provide for the child’s changing needs, and protect the best interests of the child. The state code requires that parents have specific provisions about how the parents will resolve future disputes and allocation of decision making. A plan will not be accepted unless this information is included.
As mentioned above, one of the purposes of a Washington parenting plan is to encourage the parents to work together. The law stipulates that if the parents are able to cooperate on a plan and submit an agreement jointly to the court, the court looks it over and will most likely approve it. If the parents cannot agree, they must each create a plan separately to the court and prepare to explain how it benefits the child.
Washington state takes the issues of child custody very seriously. The laws have been created to help parents make a plan or agreement so they can continue to care for the children. Parents should take the time and energy necessary to create the best possible agreement.
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